The past two months, since I was last on this site have been a strange ride indeed. Cancer changes everything, but that is not necessarily bad. In my case it has opened me up to what is possible. I have plans for this website, and this time it is all me. No more playing small and second guessing what I want to do. I know. I have known all along, I just refused to allow it. That is about to change dramatically.

So, where to begin? Other than learning to navigate life with cancer I have in fact been working. I have been part of the first offering Patti Digh’s new writing course Verb Tribe. It has been a welcome dose of daily inner work that I especially need in this uncertain time in my life. Patti has a way of unraveling you gently even when the punches are sometimes hard. Early in the course we were asked to consider edges and that was my biggest reveal so far. Here is what I wrote.

A blind contour drawing of my day. Ants crawl along the edges of everything.

Edges are everywhere, most immediately on this paper – four crisp white edges to contain my observations.

May those observations not be so contained, and includes some abstract edges, the edges of my thoughts and experience…

The always somewhat ragged edges of my fingernails, I notice and pick at while I wait at the cancer center. An appointment for what? New patient consult says the order.

“That must be a lot to handle? How do you cope with (an edge like) diagnosis of Stage Four Cancer?”

A Psychiatrist it turns out, to pick at the edges of my psyche.

How? I see it as an invitation to live, to go beyond my edges, far beyond…

I have always thought I enjoyed life on the edge, the thrill of risk, uncommitted, but what I want now is to sink into it with all of myself.

To get into the deep soft middle of it rather than balancing on the edges. There are edges in there too I suppose.

Always another layer with a new edge. Soft, hard, rough and smooth, soaked in loves light and the stench of death. I am going in.

So I am going in, but not alone. My other big event so far this year was The Art of Earning Live last week. I realized recently that I have a very dysfunctional relationship with money and the idea of wealth. No more. I understand now that I can only do my best work in the world if I can receive as well as give.  I can only give what I have, and I haven’t had much of late. If I continue as I have been I will have even less. Cancer is expensive! This website has been pretty much stagnant in terms of generating income, and that is going to change. So will my work and offers be changing.

Rather than set my self up for problems with promises of launch dates etc. I invite you to follow me, and help me build my new business. I will be posting new ideas and asking a lot of questions as I move on. Much of it I know, but I want this to be a business built on a relationship. A relationship with you.

Are you with me? Let’s go in…

]]> http://www.gwynmichael.com/2012/03/02/when-everything-changes-without-your-permission/feed/ 3 http://www.gwynmichael.com/2011/12/29/x-marks-the-spot-or-caution-real-boobs-ahead/ http://www.gwynmichael.com/2011/12/29/x-marks-the-spot-or-caution-real-boobs-ahead/#comments Thu, 29 Dec 2011 20:50:46 +0000 gwyn http://www.gwynmichael.com/?p=4532

A few weeks ago I posted on Facebook “Everything is changing.” I had no idea! This poor website has been through 3 or 4 major changes in 2011 and here we go again. The artwork has not changed much in the past year, but my intentions and desires have. Now change is happening I could not have prepared for.

Metastatic Breast Cancer. Right there under the X.

So, once again the work intention changes, and the nature of the work as well. Be prepared for boobs Seriously. I plan to document this trip in detail. I even started a new blog just to tell the story. I see this as a challenge, and have discovered I can make some beautiful images of these floppy old skin bags, and the not so pleasant details of hospital business

I don’t know exactly where this blog will go, but it will be more about art and less about me. There will also be another makeover of this site as I transition into Art4Healing. Whatever happens this will be interesting. Those of you that have followed me here so far please stick with me. I invite you to follow the new blog as well as I will surely be posting there more at least for the immediate future.

If this is your first time hearing my news the back story is here, and here, and continuing on the new blog.

now I know that knowing sometimes sucks.

I haven’t written here since the end of November! Not because I have nothing to say, or did not want to. Just too much else. To get back into it I am participating in “The Week of Looking Inward” hosted by Patti Digh and Susan Piver. Since everything I thought I knew has changed, I think it good to start over reflecting.

The year was winding down just fine. I had made final decisions on the design and contents of my website. I knew what I wanted my blog to focus on. I was fully involved in the Phoenixville Firebird Festival, and looking forward to ending the work year with great success in my booth.

There was just one thing bothering me and slowing me down. My back. It hurt, A LOT! When Vicodin and Percocet were not managing my pain it was time for the MRI. Read the back story (pun intended) here.

So there I was, facing the end of the year in limbo, and now dosed on  Dilaudid which amplified my state of dumbfoundedness. I managed to get through the Firebird, which went very well. The following 2 weeks were lost in tests and appointments and Christmas preparations. Now it is all over and I can really reflect on and absorb what I have learned.

Today’s prompt is:

Question: Where have I learned and lived in 2011? In my head, in my body, or both? What would living more fully in my body in 2012 bring to me? How can I embody life and learning as I move through this liminal space between now and next? How can I more fully learn from the neck down in 2012?

How ironic!

I see learning as a mind, body and spirit experience and 2011 taught me a lot. I am healthy in general, very healthy. Blood pressure and cholesterol levels all good. Minimal aches and pains considering my age, and I never get sick. Only 1 virus in the past 6 years! However I had let slack my diet and exercise program. After years of regular yoga, and a few years of no processed foods I stopped yoga, and had some fries. OK, I had fries whenever I could, and I had a lot of pizza albeit with whole wheat crust. I got lazy and my mind and body were feeling it.  I knew I would get back on track but when was not certain. Now it is.

I learned that I have a broken back, and that is painful but not totally debilitating.
I learned that I have “the presence of osteolytic and bony destructive lesions involving the T12 and L5 vertebra. Etiology of these bony lesions is very suspicious of neoplastic disease.”

I learned that all these big words mean cancer. I learned that I am not afraid of cancer even though I was sure I would never have it. I learned that bad news can be very motivating, and I am more excited about what I want to do than I am afraid of what may happen.

I learned that I am not entirely fulfilled by creating art in itself, and that my dreams of working as a healing artist need not be just dreams.

I learned that when you speak your truth people listen, and when you share your heart people show up to offer support.

I learned that not knowing can be infuriating, and that knowing can really suck.

I learned that for some of us it takes a crisis to step up and be our best selves, do our best work.

Best of all I learned that I am so so lucky to have so many awesome people in my life, both here and in my personal life.

I don’t know exactly what I will be doing and learning in 2012, but I know it will be far different than I thought one month ago. Join me will you as I ride this beast and learn, mind, body, and soul!

From the Heart,

Perhaps I should have asked how many things are wrong with this picture? I could begin my rant right now, but allow me to back track a wee bit.

I have been scrambling this month with year end to dos and struggling not to berate myself for all I am not getting done. Last week as my birthday approached immediately followed by Thanksgiving I had to let go. We had planned to go to MA to spend Thanksgiving with my only family, and I was determined to enjoy it despite the newsletter I did not get out, the new line of work I did not post, and the birthday sale I did not have.

I spent most of my birthday knitting and playing Mahjong solitaire in the car, and was rewarded with an incredibly lovely day Thursday. Good food and not too much, and the blending of families as my Mother in Law for the first time went to visit my relatives. Much to be grateful for, and oh yes I am.

Friday back in the car and NO shopping occurred!

A busy weekend ensued with a November birthdays potluck on Saturday and a very interesting World Cafe Conversation on Money Sunday. At this time of year when we are bombarded with sales, and messages that shopping is essential it is a more than pertinent topic. The response was enthusiastic with the largest turnout yet for this group. People were all to willing to talk about this conflicting and strangely intimate topic. The questions were as I remember:

What role does money play in your life?
What is money? Do we need it?
Is money helpful or harmful? Or is it all about how we use it?

What I came away with is that many of the people attending have a very conflicted relationship with money. We seemed as a group to agree that money is a form of exchange for services or goods, and that at least some is needed to live in our culture. We also seemed to agree that it can be helpful or harmful, and how we use it matters. Beyond that however it gets sticky.

Apparently many of us, myself included have deeply ingrained ideas about what money means to us. In large the emotions it brings up are negative even though we know that mindset effects how we interact with money. We view our place in the world with either a scarcity or abundance mindset and we tend to reap what we sow. Since I can only speak for myself in the end the rest of this story is all about me.

I fall into a place of conflict and ambivalence around money. I know that I have all I need and that is not likely to change dramatically. There is an abundance of food available to me and if I never bought clothing again I’d survive as long as I remain the same size. Shelter I have more than I need and downsizing or sharing space is an option. Again no reason to fear and yet I do.

Worse yet, I knowingly sabotage my ability to earn (read don’t post newsleter’s and new work, and don’t use even non icky marketing techniques) as if I somehow do not deserve more, and then I feel resentful of those that are thriving in their online businesses. Truth. So, where am I going with this?

I left the meeting and went food shopping at the abundant Wegman,s where I got a big bag of food I could easily afford. No resentment there. When I arrived home my husband was going through the mail we’d not retrieved for several days and there it was. A 9×12 cardboard mailer addressed to me from an anonymous source. It was labeled

For Addressee Only. PETITIONS ENCLOSED. PRIORITY CONTENTS.

Oh my! What could this be? The answer is just plain sad. This package contains promotional material from the Sierra Club. That in itself is not a problem, but going back to my money questions the how we use it comes into play here.

We are America’s largest and most influential grassroots environmental organization. Inspired by nature, we are 1.4 million of your friends and neighbors, working together to protect our communities and the planet.

OK, then why are you sending me a package containing four pieces of paper and a pen made in China in a cardboard mailer also made in China. Why is an organization that promotes environmental conservation using money to mail me unsolicited materials made in China where they are still happily ravaging natural resources to provide us with cheap junk?

Worse yet they are having a sale! If I join now at the special introductory rate of $15 (that’s 50% off) I will get a FREE messenger bag (almost certainly made in China)!!! Maybe I’m nuts but if I am going to get a tote bag, a one year subscription (six issues) to Sierra magazine, and help save the gray wolf from extinction all for $15 something is amiss and it has to do with money.

The offering also includes two petitions. I am asked to sign to both John Boehner and Harry Reid, asking them to support the Endangered Species act. This is the only part of it that makes sense. I will be returning said petitions without the $15 and a copy of this post.

Do you think this what John Muir had in mind when he founded Sierra Club in 1892?

God has cared for these trees, saved them from drought, disease, avalanches, and a thousand tempests and floods. But he cannot save them from fools.
John Muir

I don’t think so. What happened Sierra Club?

OK now I got that off my chest I need to tie back into why I would write such a thing on my artists blog.

I have already alluded to my money issues. I am stubbornly not taking part in Cyber Monday although I do need to sell work. I want to passively make you aware that I am here to sell for the holidays. I will in the next week be posting a new series of nature prints printed on Hahnemühle Bamboo, and Sugar Cane papers which are resource saving papers. These prints will include quotes by John Muir, Henry David Thoreau, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and others American’s who wrote on behalf of the environment. A portion of all holiday sales will go to American Forests to plant trees. Please subscribe to my newsletter if you have not already and I will get that Newsletter out when the shop is ready.

Join me in getting out of the malls and into the woods this holiday season.

From the Heart,

11-11-11 started like any other day for me and I had no expectations it would be different. The notion that a date created by humans could have some kind of mystical significance is a bit far fetched for me. Still I considered giving the notion a nod as I found myself once again disgruntled this morning. Disgruntled for a myriad of reasons many of which I can change. Unfinished house projects, too much stuff, laundry…all this I can do albeit not today.

Then there are the problems bigger than me. The environment, the economy, education, climate change and so on. I let these things depress me and it has got to stop. So, I entertained the idea that whether 11-11-11 has any significance or not, there are possibilities of things we can’t imagine. Solutions we can’t yet see. I decided to move into the day with that in mind.

I start most work days checking my email. I am not subscribed to many blogs and newsletters and was surprised by the appearance of World Tipping in my in box. I don’t remember subscribing to this, but I am glad I did. From there my day took turns I could not imagine.

Tipping Point is the creation of Todd Goldfarb who believes we are at the point of great change on this planet based on a global awakening. I have to admit that sort of “new age’ language usually turns me away, but Todd writes about it in a rational way. Reading about the daily atrocities in the world debilitates me. I need to step back and start looking at solutions.  This website features interviews with world changing thinkers in the world today.

I interview all kinds of human beings on this website: anthropologists, scientists, business people, spiritual teachers, financial people, famous people, not-famous people, and anyone who can help make sense of this unique period of time we are living!

The email I received was a link to one of these. Todd interviews Foster Gamble (of Proctor and Gamble heritage) about his new movie Thrive. Now I have to admit had I seen the trailer for this film before listening to the interview I probably would have run the other way. This film covers some pretty far fetched ideas. The interview however is comprehensive enough to hold my attention even with a few red flags flying.

Despite lingering skepticism I am compelled to listen to another interview with musician activist Derrick Ashong. This interview really motivated me and shifted my day into a major positive stride. I don’t agree with everything he says but most of rings true.

A shift is definitely coming, which one it will be, what way it will go, no one knows yet.

Derrick believes it is up to each one of us to help make that decision. Will the shift be bad or good and how can we influence it? Much of the literature I’ve been reading (some by another Derrick) makes it seem like bad has already won and we are more or less doomed. No wonder I am sad so much. I am not allowing for the possibility that we can still turn it around. Where I really got on board with this guy is when he was asked about spirituality. In Todd’s words:

Perhaps the most interesting moment comes when I ask Derrick to make a distinction between the spiritual/consciousness crowd and the people who are more ‘activist’ oriented.  I asked this question because my sense is that these two groups ultimately strive towards the same goals, but are often at odds.

Derricks reply in short is:

“I am going to go out on a limb and piss some people off. The most important part is the action and this is the reason. Most of the people talking about a spiritual renewal are people of privilege. You don’t see too many people without clean water talking about a spiritual shift.”

Thank you Derrick! I am motivated. Earlier this week I attended my first Occupy meeting in Phoenixville. The group has only met a few times and is still figuring out their mission like most Occupy groups but positive action is certain. As an artist I need to learn how I can use my skills to shift things in the positive direction. We are all in this together, many not knowing what or how to do, but coming together to figure it out.

In which I go out on a limb and contradict myself. I wrote recently about how the problems we face are not black and white which I stand by, and I also think one aspect of things is absolutely black and white. To take action, or not, is as simple as it gets. No one is coming in to fix things for us so we have to figure it out ourselves. The good news is we don’t have to do it alone.

At this point I am at mid day and still have plenty to do, but I kept reading. Back to the Thrive website which is loaded with information beyond the movie. They define 12 sectors where change must occur as follows.

Arts.Economics.Education.Environment.Governance. Health.Infrastructure. Justice.Media.Relations.Science.Spirituality.

Aliens or no (yes there are aliens in this story) I just had to know where arts fits into this. This is where the synchronicity really kicks in. The arts pages here and here had me doing a happy dance in my swivel chair. Everything I have been thinking and feeling about the power of art for change is verified. I linked to the Barefoot Artists site which is is a nonprofit arts organization based in… Philadelphia, Pennsylvania!!! that uses the power of art to transform impoverished communities. Happy dance all over the studio!

I am done letting depressing news and world views get me down. If we are doomed, so be it. I won’t go down without a fight. On a final note I am going to buy that movie Thrive and watch it with an open mind. I invite any of you in the area to join me for a screening and discuss the ideas rational or not.

Tell me do you believe there are mysteries we have not yet revealed that could change our future on this planet? Is it possible we are only beginning to understand the power of the universe and our place in it?

I have always been an optimistic person for the most part. I have fears and doubts like anyone but I am always confident that in the end things will be alright. I can brush off disappointment and even loss fairly quickly, and move on. My big picture of the world is one of hope. Lately though it has become more challenging.

Perhaps this is because I am at an age where I am so much more in touch with my own mortality, and perhaps it is because we are in a time when there are so many legitimate concerns to face. I don’t need to list them, if you are reading this I think you know. It used to be easy to balk and snicker those preaching “end times” but it is becoming increasingly easy to see that the end of the world as we know it is coming, and I can’t say I feel fine.

It is not the changes themselves that upset me, I know I can adapt. It is the apparent cluelessness and denial I see.

Sometimes, just for a moment,  I actually wish I could fall into that camp.

Everything is fine. Keep shopping.

That doesn’t work for me any more. Yes, it would be nice to believe that new shoes could make it all OK, and yet I know it is not so. In the end I am grateful that I am aware, and more so that I can find comfort, hope, and even faith in going out into my yard on a perfect Autumn day to marvel at the leaves and water shoots on the red maple by the driveway. Or, as is today, the brilliance of the sugar maple outside the window where I type, still holding most of its leaves that seem to have turned overnight.

I don’t know what life will be like if the economy collapses, or fracking continues, or when we are living in post oil times, but I know that at least for the moment, I can count on the leaves to brighten my day. I believe they will continue to do so long after I, We, are gone. That too gives me comfort, as do the lyrics and tune of the bittersweet Beatles song, Let It Be. Nature, music, art, they soothe my soul.

In 1969 there was plenty of turbulence in the world to inspire such a song, yet times were so much simpler. Could I go back to that?

Tell me, what gives you hope?

Trick or Treat?

Climate change is strange. This past weekend we had snow and it was beautiful to see all that white against the fall leaves. It also caused an awful amount of damage. Many are still without electricity and the tree damage is significant all over. All that and we only got a few inches. I haven’t checked with my family in Massachusetts yet where they got 22 inches. The weather has been challenging this year and who knows what is to come?

Call me strange, but disasters great and small motivate me to action, and today was no different. I am going to be very busy this week and the rest of the year getting my business here off the ground, and seeking earning opportunities away from home. It is strange and exciting. Trick or treat indeed?

Look for a full post Wednesday. We are off to give candy to children in the snow this evening. Happy Samhain, All Souls’ Day, Halloween!

Another Day at Work

Not quite two weeks ago Laura Simms wrote a post titled “Would You Hire You?”. I knew right away I would do a follow up post, because it woke me up, again, to some problems I face being the boss of me. The gist of the article is how good are you at taking direction from yourself? This was my response in the comments.

Great post Laura, and well timed. In the traditional work world I have always been an excellent “worker”, and would absolutely hire me if I were going back there, but I am not. As the boss of me I have been great in the areas that come easy, or with medium effort, and not so good at the tough stuff (income generating).

I need to give boss me a kick in the butt.

The truth is I have been really great at avoiding the part of this work that scares me most. MARKETING. I have been through two online marketing courses and have several books on the topic. I know what to do but I drag my feet ragged making it happen. This creates a cycle of making unrealistic goals, not meeting them, beating myself up, wash, rinse, repeat.

I don’t need a kick in the butt as much as I need an assistant, or a real boss. Since I am wearing all the hats so far, what I need is  a support system. Lucky, lucky me, I have you! Yes you, anyone reading these words keeps me coming back, and that means not giving up even on the hard stuff.

Laura’s post reminded me that I need to be aware of, and make allowances for the boss parts of me that are lacking. That means paying attention. Paying attention to what works, and what does not. Lucky me again, I have many smart connections.

One of the mistakes I made lessons I learned is that no one has a secret formula to this internet business/social media stuff. Sure there is plenty of good advice out there, but in the end you have to figure out what works for you. That doesn’t mean that you should not take an e-course, or buy an e-book on marketing, social media, or whatever your weakness is, or even hire a coach (I’ve done all) but recognize that these are only guidelines and the hard work still comes from you. I spent a tad too long absorbing information and not acting on it.

Now I have cleared out my mailbox and blog feed leaving only a few favorites that resonate with me regularly. Tara Sophia Mohr is one of those, and today she came through clarifying my intentions for this post.

Tara writes about the definition of self discipline and how we can change our thinking around it. That wash, rinse, repeat cycle I mentioned is a part of the reality that most of us are not going to be great at all facets of being our own boss. That does not make us failures, only human. Tara outlines her alternatives to the self-discipline trap in a way that makes sense to me.

You don’t need to find that ever-unfindable willpower. You don’t need to find an inner army marshal who can order around the rest of you. What you do need are:

• goals that reflect your values, your heart, your dreams

• wise plans for action that reflect what really works for you

• supports that set you up for success

• ways of listening to and dealing with the fears and emotions that will arise

All good news.

Indeed very good news. I can do this.  As we move towards the end of the year I feel once again recharged to tackle the tough stuff and make this work for me. I also have a huge motivator. After close to a year without a car and living in a place where I can’t get anywhere there is a shiny new vehicle in my driveway. I need to pay for it. That will likely mean a part time job, but just maybe I can make make my own work. I am more determined than ever to do the work and find out.

I’ve written mostly about the pitfalls of being the boss of me. What about the advantages? That picture was taken yesterday on a perfect fall day. I had to go pick up some art work from a past show, and found myself near Valley Forge park. I’d not been there since I stopped driving and I spent a few hours walking, taking in the sun and air, and taking pictures. That is a day at work I can do do very easily!

Opinions and suggestions welcome as always!

Do you remember the commercial my title mimics? You have to be pretty old It is one of those that sticks in your head like it or not. That’s advertising, and that is not what I am here to talk about, at least not in the mass marketing big corporation sense.

I am here to say my blog schedule has shifted and I want you to know. I was trying to post here every Monday and at  Scoutie Girl every other Monday. It is too much. Duh. My new plan is to post alternate Mondays here and there, with a link post here. Just a teaser you could say.

As for advertising, The Phoenixville Firebird Festival is coming up quick. If you are in the SE Pennsylvania area please come check it out. That is the bird in progress up there and I think it looks awesome even with the support scaffolding still in place. Go read about it at Scoutie Girl!

From the Heart,