I thought I knew, but now I know…

now I know that knowing sometimes sucks.

I haven’t written here since the end of November! Not because I have nothing to say, or did not want to. Just too much else. To get back into it I am participating in “The Week of Looking Inward” hosted by Patti Digh and Susan Piver. Since everything I thought I knew has changed, I think it good to start over reflecting.

The year was winding down just fine. I had made final decisions on the design and contents of my website. I knew what I wanted my blog to focus on. I was fully involved in the Phoenixville Firebird Festival, and looking forward to ending the work year with great success in my booth.

There was just one thing bothering me and slowing me down. My back. It hurt, A LOT! When Vicodin and Percocet were not managing my pain it was time for the MRI. Read the back story (pun intended) here.

So there I was, facing the end of the year in limbo, and now dosed on  Dilaudid which amplified my state of dumbfoundedness. I managed to get through the Firebird, which went very well. The following 2 weeks were lost in tests and appointments and Christmas preparations. Now it is all over and I can really reflect on and absorb what I have learned.

Today’s prompt is:

Question: Where have I learned and lived in 2011? In my head, in my body, or both? What would living more fully in my body in 2012 bring to me? How can I embody life and learning as I move through this liminal space between now and next? How can I more fully learn from the neck down in 2012?

How ironic!

I see learning as a mind, body and spirit experience and 2011 taught me a lot. I am healthy in general, very healthy. Blood pressure and cholesterol levels all good. Minimal aches and pains considering my age, and I never get sick. Only 1 virus in the past 6 years! However I had let slack my diet and exercise program. After years of regular yoga, and a few years of no processed foods I stopped yoga, and had some fries. OK, I had fries whenever I could, and I had a lot of pizza albeit with whole wheat crust. I got lazy and my mind and body were feeling it.  I knew I would get back on track but when was not certain. Now it is.

I learned that I have a broken back, and that is painful but not totally debilitating.
I learned that I have “the presence of osteolytic and bony destructive lesions involving the T12 and L5 vertebra. Etiology of these bony lesions is very suspicious of neoplastic disease.”

I learned that all these big words mean cancer. I learned that I am not afraid of cancer even though I was sure I would never have it. I learned that bad news can be very motivating, and I am more excited about what I want to do than I am afraid of what may happen.

I learned that I am not entirely fulfilled by creating art in itself, and that my dreams of working as a healing artist need not be just dreams.

I learned that when you speak your truth people listen, and when you share your heart people show up to offer support.

I learned that not knowing can be infuriating, and that knowing can really suck.

I learned that for some of us it takes a crisis to step up and be our best selves, do our best work.

Best of all I learned that I am so so lucky to have so many awesome people in my life, both here and in my personal life.

I don’t know exactly what I will be doing and learning in 2012, but I know it will be far different than I thought one month ago. Join me will you as I ride this beast and learn, mind, body, and soul!

From the Heart,